Saturday, March 31, 2012

Asking for Help is not a sign of Weakness....It's a sign of Help!

I am the type of person who HATES to ask for help. I am the one who will help so much....I can't say NO....well I need to say NO and start to do things for myself...Now I am needing help. I am in a spot where it's not only me who is being effected it is my children also.

We were told back 3 weeks ago that they were going to shut the park I live in because of the spetic and leach field issues. I have being trying to clean up and pack the house and work and deal with the kid's schedules BESIDES looking for a new place to live. Well this past weekend was the straw that broke the camel's back you can say. My friend and I, with our kids were going to move in together. We found an amazing house that was going to be enough room for everyone we were just waiting on getting the money for hte rent and deposit togehter...$2100 which we were told by the landlords they just wanted the $1050 and would work with us on the deposit. Well we finally had the money less then a week later and got it mailed off to them... One point I didnt' make is that this house was up for sale also. We understood that too. That is why we only had a 6 month lease to sign. They landlords lived out of state and were getting the papers drawn up That was on a Friday....On Monday...we recieved the phone call the House had SOLD......SOLD....SOLD...the floor just fell out from under me. This was #5 in 3 weeks where we were expecting to sign paperwork that was taken away. If it was just me I wouldn't worry so much but it is also include my kids. WHY would they knowingly show and say they would rent the house if under contract. I am so upset....we never really recieved a complete explanation.

SO here we are on teh weekend I was to move and I have no place to go. My house isn't fully packed up....right now I really could careless of something in the house...I just want out. I know I can't leave it a mess but when you don't have the notice of actually when you are to move it hurts....Nothing legal at least. I have $60 til payday on teh 6th. I don't have a way to help myself. I am trying not to be down on myself. I am trying ot figure out what to do. I HATE March...a year ago I lost my job of 9 yrs with out being told much. I am trying my hardest right now to be strong for my kids but not working.

I have to swallow my pride and ask for help. I need to go for my kids. I am the reason this has gotten so bad for us. I didn't plan correctly. I need to figure out what I need now. I have asked my church for help. What ever they can do for me. I am willing payback anything I do recieve. I have being tryig to stay strong in my faith. I know God will help to provide right now. The feeling of disappointment in myself, I have let my family down. I have ruined things for them. I feel a failure. I know I am not a failure but I feel it.

Everywhere I turn I find that there are people who do truly care and love my family. They are praying and trying to find places that I can just be in for now. I found out my church sent out a prayer email for me and help if anyone knows of anything. Trying to keep my faith and my strength right now is hard. I am doing ok. I just need have that blind faith and know things will come about. Being told we should just move from Buena Vista, my friends, the kid's friends, my job, the schools...isn't really an option either. I have no money to do it, no money to even really move but I am working on things and a budget. I know I need to be more careful on things. Wanting to make sure your family is protected and we dont' loose each otehr. Wanting to have the kids feel safe is #1 on my list right now. Having them feel safe and not scared to go home because of others around us, I don't want anymore. I am want so muchfor everything to be ok for my kids....They are the reason I breathe they are the reason I get up in the morning. They are the reason for my being.

I loose my kids I will loose myself. I need the help. I need not only the help for my family but i need the help for myself. I need to know why I am this way.

This blog is a way for me to help myself work through things, not only just to express my feelings but to make myself aware of what I am doing and how I am handling things....today NOT GOOD, but I know whaty I need to do.

I am asking for Help from all my frineds out there for Prayers. Prayers I will find a house soon, Prayers I will not loose the kids over everything. Prayers I will keep going on every day!

Sunday, March 4, 2012

One Year Ago.......One Year Later

I was sitting in a hotel room with my 2 children getting ready to do something that could change my life forever. I was in Denver for the Biggest Loser Open Casting Call for Season 12. I was thrilled I had received a VIP Pass for the casting call....but the more I thought about it I should have gone through with my original plan....gone early and waited with everyone else.

I have the support of many people I never have met in person but who were going through the same thing I was....struggling with Obesity and weight loss. I was ready to do anything....I AM MEAN ANYTHING but what seemed I needed to do I hadn't done it yet. I loved the casting call had met some amazing people while there. Still talk to a couple of them. We support each other still to this day. I was on such a ahigh from that weekend....granted I didnt get the call back but that is ok....I knew that wasn't going to happen. I got home and the kids went to school....I went to work....I wasn't on the schedule for the whole month. Found out I had been fired not because I didn't have my shifts covered but because I was needing to do soemthing else. Well many people know the struggle I had for the next 5 months. I was out of work and all I had to pay bills for June and July was my son's income from his 30hr a week job. He gave up so much for a 15 yr. I have wanted to make that up to him. I wanted to make sure he has a mother he could be proud of. I didn't try for Season 13 wasn't into it. I still needed to do somethings I wasn't sure about.Then end of July 2011 came I had to make choice....I had a job interview did I really want to stay or move and make a new life someplace elses. When the week of a job interview happened....I knew what I also had to do is FACE THE DEMONS of my life. I started to journal. I know the blogging would be helpful but not all things I wanted out there still. i might share more as time goes. Alot is painful.

My demons I had to face is that I was called fat, ugly, stupid, annoying, worthless and that I was never wanted why was I still around. I know those things were said to me almost everyday for 14 yrs. Even now 24yrs later I still here it but this time the words aren't in my face being screamed at me they are in my head and my heart everytime I look into the mirror. I try to keep a positive attitude I need too....I have my children I don't want to go through what I went through in High School. My beautiful daughter, Emmie, is going through those ugly words since 2nd Grade so for the last 5yrs she has had to face it. We all know how Jr High can be to a young perons self esteem. I have tried to tell her how wonderful she is and beautiful she is. Her heart and how she is towards others is what makes her so special. I love her for who she is and who she is becoming.

Today, 4 March 2012, my daughter Emmie-Na (nickname) asked me
"MOM why don't you believe in yourself! Why don't you believe in the same things you tell me. I learn to give my heart to others like you....but you don't think you are worth anything like I feel....LOVE YOURSELF!!"

She knew what my story I was telling at the casting call that day and she told me to make them love me too....I didn't do that. My children mean the world to me. I am their only parent. I need to be here but in order for me to be here longer and make a change in their lives I need to be here for me and change my life.

One Year Ago.....I woke up to the potential I could be....On Year Later I am still dealing with those things that keep me at the weight I am. I have a great way to still myself everything is ok. NO THIS IS NOT OK!! I am 42yrs old. I am around 400lbs!! My Tyler, graduates High School in 2015 and My Emmie, graduates in 2018. I need to change. I need to face th UGly Demons and Change. I need to stop those excuses....I have to stop those excuses.

SO in Celebration of trying to change my life One Year Ago.....I am buckling down and doing that.....NO MORE EXCUSES!! NO MORE PITY PARTY!! NO MORE HIDING BEHIND WHAT HAPPENED 15, 22, and 38 yrs ago....I am in control of My New Life.

ONE YEAR AGO....I talked a good Talk
ONE YEAR LATER....I am WALKING THAT TALK and going through with everything I Plan forward. I got off track but I have a goal in mind I WILL see....Live My Life to The Fullest!!!


FIRST DEMON TO FACE.....I AM BEAUTIFUL! I am not Ugly.

Friday, March 2, 2012

I AM BACK!!!!!

WOOOHOOOO! I FINALLY have a new laptop and now can keep up with my blogging now. It has been since the middle of OCT without the computer. That has been so painful....for almost 4 months nothing.

I am so excited on alot of levels and so much to share. Now is the time to PARTY I can get the things I want done done.....I am ready to do things for ME and include the kids which is a good thing....HEHEHEHE

I am cutting tonights blog short so then tomorrow I can start going again and write alot then.

Please be Safe this Weekend....Be Safe everynight!
Always tell that special person even if you have had a fight....ALWAYS say I LOVE YOU!!

I LOVE YOU ALL!! Love your self too!!!