I know this is been the first post in many many months. After talking to a couple of amazing women about conquering fears and just getting myself out there....I have really made a commitment to get out there. Not only putting myself out there in this blog but also to get out there and start something for myself and others in this community.
Fear of...
1. Letting myself be "seen"
2. Opening up to others and really letting them in
3. Thinking others really don't like me
4. Allowing myself to be vulnerable when I need to be
5. Showing that I am weak
6. Not being really accepted by friends and family
7. Allowing myself to be loved by someone who does love me truly
8. Not being the parent I need to be to my children
9. Not being the child/sibling to my family that I should be
10. NOT ALLOWING MYSELF TO BE ME
These are the top fears I have some people think I am silly about some of these....But I am very serious.
This is the first step in getting out of my comfort zone and facing the fears. I will try to go back to writing everyday or a couple of times a week....I will allow myself to be out there and accept any comments Good and Bad because they only are there to help me.
LOVE YOU ALL!!
"One Step, One path, One Road, One Trail, One Valley, One Mountain to Climb to Get to the PEAK of You!"
Friday, March 1, 2013
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Bully is still a Bully No matter what the Age
It has come to my attention of a Bully in the community here....Amazing but this isn't any normal Bully. This isn't a child Bully that is after other children, this is an ADULT Bully. This type of Bully is not targeting any one person. This Bully is "attacking" other Adults and in an organization that helps inspire people with their craft and involves the commuinty people of all ages and skills.
I know who this person is and has said a few things I wish I could have said somethings to this person when they told my on child in no un certain terms they are as tone deaf as a bullfrog. Well this time this person is bullying people and thinks they are more superior then others. Granted this person is very talented don't get me wrong but when siding with someone younger and condoning the actions of the younger person over Adults who have been doing something as many years as teh younger person has been alive.
Ok I am over this rant I am sorry I will talk more about Bullying at a later date.
I know who this person is and has said a few things I wish I could have said somethings to this person when they told my on child in no un certain terms they are as tone deaf as a bullfrog. Well this time this person is bullying people and thinks they are more superior then others. Granted this person is very talented don't get me wrong but when siding with someone younger and condoning the actions of the younger person over Adults who have been doing something as many years as teh younger person has been alive.
Ok I am over this rant I am sorry I will talk more about Bullying at a later date.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Asking for Help is not a sign of Weakness....It's a sign of Help!
I am the type of person who HATES to ask for help. I am the one who will help so much....I can't say NO....well I need to say NO and start to do things for myself...Now I am needing help. I am in a spot where it's not only me who is being effected it is my children also.
We were told back 3 weeks ago that they were going to shut the park I live in because of the spetic and leach field issues. I have being trying to clean up and pack the house and work and deal with the kid's schedules BESIDES looking for a new place to live. Well this past weekend was the straw that broke the camel's back you can say. My friend and I, with our kids were going to move in together. We found an amazing house that was going to be enough room for everyone we were just waiting on getting the money for hte rent and deposit togehter...$2100 which we were told by the landlords they just wanted the $1050 and would work with us on the deposit. Well we finally had the money less then a week later and got it mailed off to them... One point I didnt' make is that this house was up for sale also. We understood that too. That is why we only had a 6 month lease to sign. They landlords lived out of state and were getting the papers drawn up That was on a Friday....On Monday...we recieved the phone call the House had SOLD......SOLD....SOLD...the floor just fell out from under me. This was #5 in 3 weeks where we were expecting to sign paperwork that was taken away. If it was just me I wouldn't worry so much but it is also include my kids. WHY would they knowingly show and say they would rent the house if under contract. I am so upset....we never really recieved a complete explanation.
SO here we are on teh weekend I was to move and I have no place to go. My house isn't fully packed up....right now I really could careless of something in the house...I just want out. I know I can't leave it a mess but when you don't have the notice of actually when you are to move it hurts....Nothing legal at least. I have $60 til payday on teh 6th. I don't have a way to help myself. I am trying not to be down on myself. I am trying ot figure out what to do. I HATE March...a year ago I lost my job of 9 yrs with out being told much. I am trying my hardest right now to be strong for my kids but not working.
I have to swallow my pride and ask for help. I need to go for my kids. I am the reason this has gotten so bad for us. I didn't plan correctly. I need to figure out what I need now. I have asked my church for help. What ever they can do for me. I am willing payback anything I do recieve. I have being tryig to stay strong in my faith. I know God will help to provide right now. The feeling of disappointment in myself, I have let my family down. I have ruined things for them. I feel a failure. I know I am not a failure but I feel it.
Everywhere I turn I find that there are people who do truly care and love my family. They are praying and trying to find places that I can just be in for now. I found out my church sent out a prayer email for me and help if anyone knows of anything. Trying to keep my faith and my strength right now is hard. I am doing ok. I just need have that blind faith and know things will come about. Being told we should just move from Buena Vista, my friends, the kid's friends, my job, the schools...isn't really an option either. I have no money to do it, no money to even really move but I am working on things and a budget. I know I need to be more careful on things. Wanting to make sure your family is protected and we dont' loose each otehr. Wanting to have the kids feel safe is #1 on my list right now. Having them feel safe and not scared to go home because of others around us, I don't want anymore. I am want so muchfor everything to be ok for my kids....They are the reason I breathe they are the reason I get up in the morning. They are the reason for my being.
I loose my kids I will loose myself. I need the help. I need not only the help for my family but i need the help for myself. I need to know why I am this way.
This blog is a way for me to help myself work through things, not only just to express my feelings but to make myself aware of what I am doing and how I am handling things....today NOT GOOD, but I know whaty I need to do.
I am asking for Help from all my frineds out there for Prayers. Prayers I will find a house soon, Prayers I will not loose the kids over everything. Prayers I will keep going on every day!
We were told back 3 weeks ago that they were going to shut the park I live in because of the spetic and leach field issues. I have being trying to clean up and pack the house and work and deal with the kid's schedules BESIDES looking for a new place to live. Well this past weekend was the straw that broke the camel's back you can say. My friend and I, with our kids were going to move in together. We found an amazing house that was going to be enough room for everyone we were just waiting on getting the money for hte rent and deposit togehter...$2100 which we were told by the landlords they just wanted the $1050 and would work with us on the deposit. Well we finally had the money less then a week later and got it mailed off to them... One point I didnt' make is that this house was up for sale also. We understood that too. That is why we only had a 6 month lease to sign. They landlords lived out of state and were getting the papers drawn up That was on a Friday....On Monday...we recieved the phone call the House had SOLD......SOLD....SOLD...the floor just fell out from under me. This was #5 in 3 weeks where we were expecting to sign paperwork that was taken away. If it was just me I wouldn't worry so much but it is also include my kids. WHY would they knowingly show and say they would rent the house if under contract. I am so upset....we never really recieved a complete explanation.
SO here we are on teh weekend I was to move and I have no place to go. My house isn't fully packed up....right now I really could careless of something in the house...I just want out. I know I can't leave it a mess but when you don't have the notice of actually when you are to move it hurts....Nothing legal at least. I have $60 til payday on teh 6th. I don't have a way to help myself. I am trying not to be down on myself. I am trying ot figure out what to do. I HATE March...a year ago I lost my job of 9 yrs with out being told much. I am trying my hardest right now to be strong for my kids but not working.
I have to swallow my pride and ask for help. I need to go for my kids. I am the reason this has gotten so bad for us. I didn't plan correctly. I need to figure out what I need now. I have asked my church for help. What ever they can do for me. I am willing payback anything I do recieve. I have being tryig to stay strong in my faith. I know God will help to provide right now. The feeling of disappointment in myself, I have let my family down. I have ruined things for them. I feel a failure. I know I am not a failure but I feel it.
Everywhere I turn I find that there are people who do truly care and love my family. They are praying and trying to find places that I can just be in for now. I found out my church sent out a prayer email for me and help if anyone knows of anything. Trying to keep my faith and my strength right now is hard. I am doing ok. I just need have that blind faith and know things will come about. Being told we should just move from Buena Vista, my friends, the kid's friends, my job, the schools...isn't really an option either. I have no money to do it, no money to even really move but I am working on things and a budget. I know I need to be more careful on things. Wanting to make sure your family is protected and we dont' loose each otehr. Wanting to have the kids feel safe is #1 on my list right now. Having them feel safe and not scared to go home because of others around us, I don't want anymore. I am want so muchfor everything to be ok for my kids....They are the reason I breathe they are the reason I get up in the morning. They are the reason for my being.
I loose my kids I will loose myself. I need the help. I need not only the help for my family but i need the help for myself. I need to know why I am this way.
This blog is a way for me to help myself work through things, not only just to express my feelings but to make myself aware of what I am doing and how I am handling things....today NOT GOOD, but I know whaty I need to do.
I am asking for Help from all my frineds out there for Prayers. Prayers I will find a house soon, Prayers I will not loose the kids over everything. Prayers I will keep going on every day!
Sunday, March 4, 2012
One Year Ago.......One Year Later
I was sitting in a hotel room with my 2 children getting ready to do something that could change my life forever. I was in Denver for the Biggest Loser Open Casting Call for Season 12. I was thrilled I had received a VIP Pass for the casting call....but the more I thought about it I should have gone through with my original plan....gone early and waited with everyone else.
I have the support of many people I never have met in person but who were going through the same thing I was....struggling with Obesity and weight loss. I was ready to do anything....I AM MEAN ANYTHING but what seemed I needed to do I hadn't done it yet. I loved the casting call had met some amazing people while there. Still talk to a couple of them. We support each other still to this day. I was on such a ahigh from that weekend....granted I didnt get the call back but that is ok....I knew that wasn't going to happen. I got home and the kids went to school....I went to work....I wasn't on the schedule for the whole month. Found out I had been fired not because I didn't have my shifts covered but because I was needing to do soemthing else. Well many people know the struggle I had for the next 5 months. I was out of work and all I had to pay bills for June and July was my son's income from his 30hr a week job. He gave up so much for a 15 yr. I have wanted to make that up to him. I wanted to make sure he has a mother he could be proud of. I didn't try for Season 13 wasn't into it. I still needed to do somethings I wasn't sure about.Then end of July 2011 came I had to make choice....I had a job interview did I really want to stay or move and make a new life someplace elses. When the week of a job interview happened....I knew what I also had to do is FACE THE DEMONS of my life. I started to journal. I know the blogging would be helpful but not all things I wanted out there still. i might share more as time goes. Alot is painful.
My demons I had to face is that I was called fat, ugly, stupid, annoying, worthless and that I was never wanted why was I still around. I know those things were said to me almost everyday for 14 yrs. Even now 24yrs later I still here it but this time the words aren't in my face being screamed at me they are in my head and my heart everytime I look into the mirror. I try to keep a positive attitude I need too....I have my children I don't want to go through what I went through in High School. My beautiful daughter, Emmie, is going through those ugly words since 2nd Grade so for the last 5yrs she has had to face it. We all know how Jr High can be to a young perons self esteem. I have tried to tell her how wonderful she is and beautiful she is. Her heart and how she is towards others is what makes her so special. I love her for who she is and who she is becoming.
Today, 4 March 2012, my daughter Emmie-Na (nickname) asked me
"MOM why don't you believe in yourself! Why don't you believe in the same things you tell me. I learn to give my heart to others like you....but you don't think you are worth anything like I feel....LOVE YOURSELF!!"
She knew what my story I was telling at the casting call that day and she told me to make them love me too....I didn't do that. My children mean the world to me. I am their only parent. I need to be here but in order for me to be here longer and make a change in their lives I need to be here for me and change my life.
One Year Ago.....I woke up to the potential I could be....On Year Later I am still dealing with those things that keep me at the weight I am. I have a great way to still myself everything is ok. NO THIS IS NOT OK!! I am 42yrs old. I am around 400lbs!! My Tyler, graduates High School in 2015 and My Emmie, graduates in 2018. I need to change. I need to face th UGly Demons and Change. I need to stop those excuses....I have to stop those excuses.
SO in Celebration of trying to change my life One Year Ago.....I am buckling down and doing that.....NO MORE EXCUSES!! NO MORE PITY PARTY!! NO MORE HIDING BEHIND WHAT HAPPENED 15, 22, and 38 yrs ago....I am in control of My New Life.
ONE YEAR AGO....I talked a good Talk
ONE YEAR LATER....I am WALKING THAT TALK and going through with everything I Plan forward. I got off track but I have a goal in mind I WILL see....Live My Life to The Fullest!!!
FIRST DEMON TO FACE.....I AM BEAUTIFUL! I am not Ugly.
I have the support of many people I never have met in person but who were going through the same thing I was....struggling with Obesity and weight loss. I was ready to do anything....I AM MEAN ANYTHING but what seemed I needed to do I hadn't done it yet. I loved the casting call had met some amazing people while there. Still talk to a couple of them. We support each other still to this day. I was on such a ahigh from that weekend....granted I didnt get the call back but that is ok....I knew that wasn't going to happen. I got home and the kids went to school....I went to work....I wasn't on the schedule for the whole month. Found out I had been fired not because I didn't have my shifts covered but because I was needing to do soemthing else. Well many people know the struggle I had for the next 5 months. I was out of work and all I had to pay bills for June and July was my son's income from his 30hr a week job. He gave up so much for a 15 yr. I have wanted to make that up to him. I wanted to make sure he has a mother he could be proud of. I didn't try for Season 13 wasn't into it. I still needed to do somethings I wasn't sure about.Then end of July 2011 came I had to make choice....I had a job interview did I really want to stay or move and make a new life someplace elses. When the week of a job interview happened....I knew what I also had to do is FACE THE DEMONS of my life. I started to journal. I know the blogging would be helpful but not all things I wanted out there still. i might share more as time goes. Alot is painful.
My demons I had to face is that I was called fat, ugly, stupid, annoying, worthless and that I was never wanted why was I still around. I know those things were said to me almost everyday for 14 yrs. Even now 24yrs later I still here it but this time the words aren't in my face being screamed at me they are in my head and my heart everytime I look into the mirror. I try to keep a positive attitude I need too....I have my children I don't want to go through what I went through in High School. My beautiful daughter, Emmie, is going through those ugly words since 2nd Grade so for the last 5yrs she has had to face it. We all know how Jr High can be to a young perons self esteem. I have tried to tell her how wonderful she is and beautiful she is. Her heart and how she is towards others is what makes her so special. I love her for who she is and who she is becoming.
Today, 4 March 2012, my daughter Emmie-Na (nickname) asked me
"MOM why don't you believe in yourself! Why don't you believe in the same things you tell me. I learn to give my heart to others like you....but you don't think you are worth anything like I feel....LOVE YOURSELF!!"
She knew what my story I was telling at the casting call that day and she told me to make them love me too....I didn't do that. My children mean the world to me. I am their only parent. I need to be here but in order for me to be here longer and make a change in their lives I need to be here for me and change my life.
One Year Ago.....I woke up to the potential I could be....On Year Later I am still dealing with those things that keep me at the weight I am. I have a great way to still myself everything is ok. NO THIS IS NOT OK!! I am 42yrs old. I am around 400lbs!! My Tyler, graduates High School in 2015 and My Emmie, graduates in 2018. I need to change. I need to face th UGly Demons and Change. I need to stop those excuses....I have to stop those excuses.
SO in Celebration of trying to change my life One Year Ago.....I am buckling down and doing that.....NO MORE EXCUSES!! NO MORE PITY PARTY!! NO MORE HIDING BEHIND WHAT HAPPENED 15, 22, and 38 yrs ago....I am in control of My New Life.
ONE YEAR AGO....I talked a good Talk
ONE YEAR LATER....I am WALKING THAT TALK and going through with everything I Plan forward. I got off track but I have a goal in mind I WILL see....Live My Life to The Fullest!!!
FIRST DEMON TO FACE.....I AM BEAUTIFUL! I am not Ugly.
Friday, March 2, 2012
I AM BACK!!!!!
WOOOHOOOO! I FINALLY have a new laptop and now can keep up with my blogging now. It has been since the middle of OCT without the computer. That has been so painful....for almost 4 months nothing.
I am so excited on alot of levels and so much to share. Now is the time to PARTY I can get the things I want done done.....I am ready to do things for ME and include the kids which is a good thing....HEHEHEHE
I am cutting tonights blog short so then tomorrow I can start going again and write alot then.
Please be Safe this Weekend....Be Safe everynight!
Always tell that special person even if you have had a fight....ALWAYS say I LOVE YOU!!
I LOVE YOU ALL!! Love your self too!!!
I am so excited on alot of levels and so much to share. Now is the time to PARTY I can get the things I want done done.....I am ready to do things for ME and include the kids which is a good thing....HEHEHEHE
I am cutting tonights blog short so then tomorrow I can start going again and write alot then.
Please be Safe this Weekend....Be Safe everynight!
Always tell that special person even if you have had a fight....ALWAYS say I LOVE YOU!!
I LOVE YOU ALL!! Love your self too!!!
Thursday, October 13, 2011
18 Days Til..........
I am BEYOND ANCIENT! At least that is what my son keeps telling me. Oh days I feel like I am ancient and then there are days I don't feel the age I am, I feel like I am one of my kids. I don't want to be this way.
I have always said I will start it this next week this next day.....NO I START NOW!!! I saw my DR not at an appointment, just saw him. He reminded me that in 3-4 yrs if I don't do something about this weight I will be in a wheelchair or walker....or worse and we AREN'T going there. So time to do it!! Time to get the pitty party ended and get my head clear and get it done!!! Stop and Think where I could and will be in my life and the lives of my children. I have so much to live for. I am not being down on myself, yes in a way I am, NO I am making so any EXCUSES....NO MORE EXCUSES. There is so much I want to do and the goals I have in my life to do for ME!! I have found more support locally then I thought I would have had, I have found I can't keep anything a secret anymore for anyone. One of my goals in life and since where I live is to be on the Arkansas River. Rafting or kayaking, which neither one of those I can do because of my weight. I keep getting guides tell me not to worry and that it will be safe for me. I don't trust myself in the water. I am not a strong swimmer but I still want to enjoy what is around me.
My Goals before I am 21 for the 22nd time....HAHAHAHAHA
1. Stand Up for myself
2. Change my way of thinking
3. As a good friend and Inspiration says GET UP AND GIVE BACK I have a plan.
4. Eat healthier, live healthier, Be Healthier
5.Over all loose about 250lbs.....no not at once I know that....1 lb at a time
6. Get in the water....swim more and then in the summer get to moving in the river
7. GO RAFTING
8. GO KAYAKING
9. CLIMB A 14er....with my family and friends
10. Teach my children about good health and good life
11. LIVE MY LIFE TO THE FULLEST!!
Ok so that is just one little bit of my life and putting these out there is a good constant reminder I need to live my life for me first and foremost. I am ready to take on any challenge thrown my way.....with in reason.
To my Inspiration Friends.....Thank You for being there for me all these months being a part of my life. I wouldn't be as far as I am in my life without knowing anyone of you. I LOVE EACH ONE OF YOU
You all know how you are. I will never give up on you.....you never give up on me!!
I have always said I will start it this next week this next day.....NO I START NOW!!! I saw my DR not at an appointment, just saw him. He reminded me that in 3-4 yrs if I don't do something about this weight I will be in a wheelchair or walker....or worse and we AREN'T going there. So time to do it!! Time to get the pitty party ended and get my head clear and get it done!!! Stop and Think where I could and will be in my life and the lives of my children. I have so much to live for. I am not being down on myself, yes in a way I am, NO I am making so any EXCUSES....NO MORE EXCUSES. There is so much I want to do and the goals I have in my life to do for ME!! I have found more support locally then I thought I would have had, I have found I can't keep anything a secret anymore for anyone. One of my goals in life and since where I live is to be on the Arkansas River. Rafting or kayaking, which neither one of those I can do because of my weight. I keep getting guides tell me not to worry and that it will be safe for me. I don't trust myself in the water. I am not a strong swimmer but I still want to enjoy what is around me.
My Goals before I am 21 for the 22nd time....HAHAHAHAHA
1. Stand Up for myself
2. Change my way of thinking
3. As a good friend and Inspiration says GET UP AND GIVE BACK I have a plan.
4. Eat healthier, live healthier, Be Healthier
5.Over all loose about 250lbs.....no not at once I know that....1 lb at a time
6. Get in the water....swim more and then in the summer get to moving in the river
7. GO RAFTING
8. GO KAYAKING
9. CLIMB A 14er....with my family and friends
10. Teach my children about good health and good life
11. LIVE MY LIFE TO THE FULLEST!!
Ok so that is just one little bit of my life and putting these out there is a good constant reminder I need to live my life for me first and foremost. I am ready to take on any challenge thrown my way.....with in reason.
To my Inspiration Friends.....Thank You for being there for me all these months being a part of my life. I wouldn't be as far as I am in my life without knowing anyone of you. I LOVE EACH ONE OF YOU
You all know how you are. I will never give up on you.....you never give up on me!!
"One Step, One path, One Road, One Trail, One Valley, One Mountain to Climb to Get to the PEAK of You!"
Sunday, September 11, 2011
9/11 A Day To Remember in Our Hearts
This is the day to remember in Modern America. Everywhere day from the grocery stores to the coffee shop to the parks I keep hearing "Where were you 10 years ago today?" That brings up memories from 10 years and 6 months prior for me. I will always remember 09/11/2001
As I said that question brings me to 10 yrs and 6months prior. I was on a plane coming back from a vacation with a good friend of mine. We had gone to London, England. It was the first vacation I had since having my children. We were flying back into the states into Newark Airport. I happen to glance over through the window on our decent and I gasped a bit. Mark looked at me funny....I told him I could see the Twin Towers and the Statue in the farther distance. They were tiny but amazing site for this girl who had never been farther then Minnesota in the USA. I continued to watch until I couldn't see it anymore. Deep down I knew I wouldn't have the chance to see it again. At that time knowing I probably would never get to NYC again not knowing what would happen only 6 months later. Amazing what memories do come flooding back.
Fast forward 6 months...I was woken up but my stepdad telling me planes hit building you gotta come see. I get up and see on the TV the First Tower engulfed in smoke. My daughter was 19months old and hanging on to Grandpa big time. My son 4yrs old sat next to me and grabbed my arm..."you no flying anymore mommy" I had just gotten home 2 days prior from Texas. Tyler said "You no flying without me mommy" so when i flew to Texas for a Soldiers' Angels Convention Tyler flew with me and didn't go to a family reunion....he remembered that and to this day remembers it.
i remember sitting in front of hte TV all day with my stepdad and my kids. Crying and not knowing if a couple of my friends were OK. I heard from one of my old St Francis Cabrini friends that he lost his girlfriend. He had just gotten out of his car to hear and see the plane hit the tower she worked in. He said he dropped the picnic basket of breakfast goodies for her and the engagement ring inside, and stood motionless for a very long time he thought but was only a minutes....He lost the love of his life. I can't believe this was happening to our country....The last serious attack on America was Pearl Harbor. That was the Day Of Infamy for my Grandparents era....The Attack on the Twin Tower, the Pentagon and the Crash in the Pennsylvania Field was this Generation's Pearl Harbor....I couldn't believe what I was watching. When it came to fixing dinner Mom was on the computer i was fixing dinner that is all I remember was crying because my brothers would be going to War. America was going to war over this. Oh my little brothers were going to defend out country because of the idiots who did this to US on OUR SOIL!! NO MORE!!!
Emily asked me this morning "What do you remember mom? Where were we??" As I said she was only19months old. But today also got me thinking about alot of "where were you moments in our history" For my parents/grandparent's it was "Where were you when WWII started in Europe?" "where were you when Pearl Harbor was attacked?" "Where were you when John Kennedy was shot?" " Where were you when Bobby was killed?" " What were you doing when the Vietnam Conflict started...Did you get drafted?" I will remember "Where were you when the US beat the Russians in hockey?" "Where were you when Regan got Shot" or Where were you when john Lennon was killed?" "Where was I when the Shuttle program started and when the first shuttle landed" " Where were you when the Shuttle BlewUp?" "Where were you at During hte Oklahoma Bombing?" Or When Princess Diana was in the accident?" The one that will forever be in every one's heart and mind is "Where were you when the Towers were hit?" or as Alan Jackson said in his wonderful song...."Where were you when the World stop turning?"
Today is a day of memories and emotions. My children are older and understand more and more what had happened 10 years ago. Since then I have seen my two brothers serve in Iraq in 05-06 but my youngest brother has been deployed since 2002...I support and love my brothers and all who are in the Armed Services. Most of all I support those who risk their lives everyday for us and we don't thank them enough either... Firefighters, Police Officers, and all who put on a uniform to Serve and Protect!!
Deep Dark secret time......Not many people know or knew for a couple of years I was a volunteer firefighter. One of a few female firefighters. I would have loved to follow through with it more when I moved to Denver but I couldnt' get a department to sponsor me for the test and that I could work with for one I was a woman and two I was plus size. Hey that didn't stop me from proving to men who were in for 10+ years I deserved to do the same things they did. I loved it. I haven't been apart of a Department since 1993 but when I was watching all the Firefighters and EMS with the towers My heart was breaking I wanted to be there so bad. Once you have that firefighting in you you never lose it. My heart is always with the firefighters.
I will always have 9/11 etched in my heart. I will NEVER forget those who innocently lost their lives to this horrific event. This isn't of any importance blog just a memory keeper for me. I am Forever Grateful for those who serve everyday. My our hearts keep memories safe and we never forget.
The following Pictures are of My Favorite Car that comes to our Car Show every year. I sit there and try to find all the stars. This is for the Fallen Firefighters on New York. Amazing Paint job. There is one star added for a fallen Denver Firefighter that was just days from retirement when he lost his life doing what he loved and saving others. So I ask each of you not only to say THANK YOU to a Military Person but to every Uniformed Person in our lives.
As I said that question brings me to 10 yrs and 6months prior. I was on a plane coming back from a vacation with a good friend of mine. We had gone to London, England. It was the first vacation I had since having my children. We were flying back into the states into Newark Airport. I happen to glance over through the window on our decent and I gasped a bit. Mark looked at me funny....I told him I could see the Twin Towers and the Statue in the farther distance. They were tiny but amazing site for this girl who had never been farther then Minnesota in the USA. I continued to watch until I couldn't see it anymore. Deep down I knew I wouldn't have the chance to see it again. At that time knowing I probably would never get to NYC again not knowing what would happen only 6 months later. Amazing what memories do come flooding back.
Fast forward 6 months...I was woken up but my stepdad telling me planes hit building you gotta come see. I get up and see on the TV the First Tower engulfed in smoke. My daughter was 19months old and hanging on to Grandpa big time. My son 4yrs old sat next to me and grabbed my arm..."you no flying anymore mommy" I had just gotten home 2 days prior from Texas. Tyler said "You no flying without me mommy" so when i flew to Texas for a Soldiers' Angels Convention Tyler flew with me and didn't go to a family reunion....he remembered that and to this day remembers it.
i remember sitting in front of hte TV all day with my stepdad and my kids. Crying and not knowing if a couple of my friends were OK. I heard from one of my old St Francis Cabrini friends that he lost his girlfriend. He had just gotten out of his car to hear and see the plane hit the tower she worked in. He said he dropped the picnic basket of breakfast goodies for her and the engagement ring inside, and stood motionless for a very long time he thought but was only a minutes....He lost the love of his life. I can't believe this was happening to our country....The last serious attack on America was Pearl Harbor. That was the Day Of Infamy for my Grandparents era....The Attack on the Twin Tower, the Pentagon and the Crash in the Pennsylvania Field was this Generation's Pearl Harbor....I couldn't believe what I was watching. When it came to fixing dinner Mom was on the computer i was fixing dinner that is all I remember was crying because my brothers would be going to War. America was going to war over this. Oh my little brothers were going to defend out country because of the idiots who did this to US on OUR SOIL!! NO MORE!!!
Emily asked me this morning "What do you remember mom? Where were we??" As I said she was only19months old. But today also got me thinking about alot of "where were you moments in our history" For my parents/grandparent's it was "Where were you when WWII started in Europe?" "where were you when Pearl Harbor was attacked?" "Where were you when John Kennedy was shot?" " Where were you when Bobby was killed?" " What were you doing when the Vietnam Conflict started...Did you get drafted?" I will remember "Where were you when the US beat the Russians in hockey?" "Where were you when Regan got Shot" or Where were you when john Lennon was killed?" "Where was I when the Shuttle program started and when the first shuttle landed" " Where were you when the Shuttle BlewUp?" "Where were you at During hte Oklahoma Bombing?" Or When Princess Diana was in the accident?" The one that will forever be in every one's heart and mind is "Where were you when the Towers were hit?" or as Alan Jackson said in his wonderful song...."Where were you when the World stop turning?"
Today is a day of memories and emotions. My children are older and understand more and more what had happened 10 years ago. Since then I have seen my two brothers serve in Iraq in 05-06 but my youngest brother has been deployed since 2002...I support and love my brothers and all who are in the Armed Services. Most of all I support those who risk their lives everyday for us and we don't thank them enough either... Firefighters, Police Officers, and all who put on a uniform to Serve and Protect!!
Deep Dark secret time......Not many people know or knew for a couple of years I was a volunteer firefighter. One of a few female firefighters. I would have loved to follow through with it more when I moved to Denver but I couldnt' get a department to sponsor me for the test and that I could work with for one I was a woman and two I was plus size. Hey that didn't stop me from proving to men who were in for 10+ years I deserved to do the same things they did. I loved it. I haven't been apart of a Department since 1993 but when I was watching all the Firefighters and EMS with the towers My heart was breaking I wanted to be there so bad. Once you have that firefighting in you you never lose it. My heart is always with the firefighters.
I will always have 9/11 etched in my heart. I will NEVER forget those who innocently lost their lives to this horrific event. This isn't of any importance blog just a memory keeper for me. I am Forever Grateful for those who serve everyday. My our hearts keep memories safe and we never forget.
The following Pictures are of My Favorite Car that comes to our Car Show every year. I sit there and try to find all the stars. This is for the Fallen Firefighters on New York. Amazing Paint job. There is one star added for a fallen Denver Firefighter that was just days from retirement when he lost his life doing what he loved and saving others. So I ask each of you not only to say THANK YOU to a Military Person but to every Uniformed Person in our lives.
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