One Year Ago.......One Year Later

I was sitting in a hotel room with my 2 children getting ready to do something that could change my life forever. I was in Denver for the Biggest Loser Open Casting Call for Season 12. I was thrilled I had received a VIP Pass for the casting call....but the more I thought about it I should have gone through with my original plan....gone early and waited with everyone else.

I have the support of many people I never have met in person but who were going through the same thing I was....struggling with Obesity and weight loss. I was ready to do anything....I AM MEAN ANYTHING but what seemed I needed to do I hadn't done it yet. I loved the casting call had met some amazing people while there. Still talk to a couple of them. We support each other still to this day. I was on such a ahigh from that weekend....granted I didnt get the call back but that is ok....I knew that wasn't going to happen. I got home and the kids went to school....I went to work....I wasn't on the schedule for the whole month. Found out I had been fired not because I didn't have my shifts covered but because I was needing to do soemthing else. Well many people know the struggle I had for the next 5 months. I was out of work and all I had to pay bills for June and July was my son's income from his 30hr a week job. He gave up so much for a 15 yr. I have wanted to make that up to him. I wanted to make sure he has a mother he could be proud of. I didn't try for Season 13 wasn't into it. I still needed to do somethings I wasn't sure about.Then end of July 2011 came I had to make choice....I had a job interview did I really want to stay or move and make a new life someplace elses. When the week of a job interview happened....I knew what I also had to do is FACE THE DEMONS of my life. I started to journal. I know the blogging would be helpful but not all things I wanted out there still. i might share more as time goes. Alot is painful.

My demons I had to face is that I was called fat, ugly, stupid, annoying, worthless and that I was never wanted why was I still around. I know those things were said to me almost everyday for 14 yrs. Even now 24yrs later I still here it but this time the words aren't in my face being screamed at me they are in my head and my heart everytime I look into the mirror. I try to keep a positive attitude I need too....I have my children I don't want to go through what I went through in High School. My beautiful daughter, Emmie, is going through those ugly words since 2nd Grade so for the last 5yrs she has had to face it. We all know how Jr High can be to a young perons self esteem. I have tried to tell her how wonderful she is and beautiful she is. Her heart and how she is towards others is what makes her so special. I love her for who she is and who she is becoming.

Today, 4 March 2012, my daughter Emmie-Na (nickname) asked me
"MOM why don't you believe in yourself! Why don't you believe in the same things you tell me. I learn to give my heart to others like you....but you don't think you are worth anything like I feel....LOVE YOURSELF!!"

She knew what my story I was telling at the casting call that day and she told me to make them love me too....I didn't do that. My children mean the world to me. I am their only parent. I need to be here but in order for me to be here longer and make a change in their lives I need to be here for me and change my life.

One Year Ago.....I woke up to the potential I could be....On Year Later I am still dealing with those things that keep me at the weight I am. I have a great way to still myself everything is ok. NO THIS IS NOT OK!! I am 42yrs old. I am around 400lbs!! My Tyler, graduates High School in 2015 and My Emmie, graduates in 2018. I need to change. I need to face th UGly Demons and Change. I need to stop those excuses....I have to stop those excuses.

SO in Celebration of trying to change my life One Year Ago.....I am buckling down and doing that.....NO MORE EXCUSES!! NO MORE PITY PARTY!! NO MORE HIDING BEHIND WHAT HAPPENED 15, 22, and 38 yrs ago....I am in control of My New Life.

ONE YEAR AGO....I talked a good Talk
ONE YEAR LATER....I am WALKING THAT TALK and going through with everything I Plan forward. I got off track but I have a goal in mind I WILL see....Live My Life to The Fullest!!!


FIRST DEMON TO FACE.....I AM BEAUTIFUL! I am not Ugly.

I AM BACK!!!!!

WOOOHOOOO! I FINALLY have a new laptop and now can keep up with my blogging now. It has been since the middle of OCT without the computer. That has been so painful....for almost 4 months nothing.

I am so excited on alot of levels and so much to share. Now is the time to PARTY I can get the things I want done done.....I am ready to do things for ME and include the kids which is a good thing....HEHEHEHE

I am cutting tonights blog short so then tomorrow I can start going again and write alot then.

Please be Safe this Weekend....Be Safe everynight!
Always tell that special person even if you have had a fight....ALWAYS say I LOVE YOU!!

I LOVE YOU ALL!! Love your self too!!!

18 Days Til..........

I am BEYOND ANCIENT!  At least that is what my son keeps telling me.  Oh days I feel like I am ancient and then there are days I don't feel the age I am, I feel like I am one of my kids.  I don't want to be this way. 

I have always said I will start it this next week this next day.....NO I START NOW!!!  I saw my DR  not at an appointment, just saw him.  He reminded me that in 3-4 yrs if I don't do something about this weight I will be in a wheelchair or walker....or worse and we AREN'T going there.   So time to do it!! Time to get the pitty party ended and get my head clear and get it done!!! Stop and Think where I could and will be in my life and the lives of my children.  I have so much to live for.  I am not being down on myself, yes in a way I am, NO I am making so any EXCUSES....NO MORE EXCUSES.  There is so much I want to do and the goals I have in my life to do for ME!!  I have found more support locally then I thought I would have had, I have found I can't keep anything a secret anymore for anyone.  One of my goals in life and since where I live is to be on the Arkansas River.  Rafting or kayaking, which neither one of those I can do because of my weight.  I keep getting guides tell me not to worry and that it will be safe for me.  I  don't trust myself in the water.  I am not a strong swimmer but I still want to enjoy what is around me.

My Goals before I am 21 for the 22nd time....HAHAHAHAHA

1. Stand Up for myself
2. Change my way of thinking
3.  As a good friend and Inspiration says GET UP AND GIVE BACK  I have a plan.
4. Eat healthier, live healthier, Be Healthier
5.Over all loose about 250lbs.....no not at once I  know that....1 lb at a time
6. Get in the water....swim more and then in the summer get to moving in the river
7. GO RAFTING
8. GO KAYAKING
9. CLIMB A 14er....with my family and friends
10. Teach my children about good health and good life
11.  LIVE MY LIFE TO THE FULLEST!!

Ok so that is just one little bit of my life and putting these out there is a good constant reminder I need to live my life for me first and foremost.  I am ready to take on any challenge thrown my way.....with in reason.

To my Inspiration Friends.....Thank You for being there for me all these months being a part of my life.  I wouldn't be as far as I am in my life without knowing anyone of you.  I LOVE EACH ONE OF YOU
You all know how you are.   I will never give up on you.....you never give up on me!!

"One Step, One path, One Road, One Trail, One Valley, One Mountain to Climb to Get to the PEAK of You!"

9/11 A Day To Remember in Our Hearts

This is the day to remember in Modern America.  Everywhere day from the grocery stores to the coffee shop to the parks I keep hearing "Where were you 10 years ago today?"  That brings up memories from 10 years and 6 months prior for me.  I will always remember 09/11/2001

As I said that question brings me to 10 yrs and 6months prior.  I was on a plane coming back from a vacation with a good friend of mine.  We had gone to London, England.  It was the first vacation I had since having my children.  We were flying back into the states into Newark Airport.  I happen to glance over through the window on our decent and I gasped a bit.  Mark looked at me funny....I told him I could see the Twin Towers and the Statue in the farther distance.  They were tiny but amazing site for this girl who had never been farther then Minnesota in the USA.  I continued to watch until I couldn't see it anymore.    Deep down I knew I wouldn't have the chance to see it again.  At that time knowing I probably would never get to NYC again not knowing what would happen only 6 months later.   Amazing what memories do come flooding back.

Fast forward 6 months...I was woken up but my stepdad telling me planes hit building you gotta come see.  I get up and see on the TV the First Tower engulfed in smoke.  My daughter was 19months old and hanging on to Grandpa big time.  My son 4yrs old sat next to me and grabbed my arm..."you no flying anymore mommy"  I had just gotten home 2 days prior from Texas.  Tyler said "You no flying without me mommy" so when i flew to Texas for a Soldiers' Angels Convention Tyler flew with me and didn't go to a family reunion....he remembered that and to this day remembers it.

i remember sitting in front of hte TV all day with my stepdad and my kids.  Crying and not knowing if a couple of my friends were OK.  I heard from one of my old St Francis Cabrini friends that he lost his girlfriend.  He had just gotten out of his car to hear and see the plane hit the tower she worked in.  He said he dropped the picnic basket of breakfast goodies for her and the engagement ring inside, and stood motionless for a very long time he thought but was only a minutes....He lost the love of his life.  I can't believe this was happening to our  country....The last serious attack on America was Pearl Harbor.  That was the Day Of Infamy for my Grandparents era....The Attack on the Twin Tower, the Pentagon and the Crash in the Pennsylvania Field was this Generation's Pearl Harbor....I couldn't believe what I was watching.  When it came to fixing dinner Mom was on the computer i was fixing dinner that is all I remember was crying because my brothers would be going to War.  America was going to war over this.  Oh my little brothers were going to defend out country because of the idiots who did this to US on OUR SOIL!!  NO MORE!!!

Emily asked me this morning "What do you remember mom?  Where were we??"  As I said she was only19months old.  But today also got me thinking about alot of "where were you moments in our history"  For my parents/grandparent's it was "Where were you when WWII started in Europe?" "where were you when Pearl Harbor was attacked?" "Where were you when John Kennedy was shot?" " Where were you when Bobby was killed?" " What were you doing when the Vietnam Conflict started...Did you get drafted?"   I will remember  "Where were you when the US beat the Russians in hockey?"  "Where were you when Regan got Shot"  or Where were you when john Lennon was killed?" "Where was I when the Shuttle program started and when the first shuttle landed" " Where were you when the Shuttle BlewUp?" "Where were you at During hte Oklahoma Bombing?" Or When Princess Diana was in the accident?"  The one that will forever be in every one's heart and mind is "Where were you when the Towers were hit?" or as Alan Jackson said in his wonderful song...."Where were you when the World stop turning?"

Today is a day of memories and emotions.  My children are older and understand more and more what had happened 10 years ago.  Since then I have seen my two brothers serve in Iraq in 05-06 but my youngest brother has been deployed since 2002...I support and love my brothers and all who are in the Armed Services.  Most of all I support those who risk their lives everyday for us and we don't thank them enough either... Firefighters, Police Officers, and all who put on a uniform to Serve and Protect!!

Deep Dark secret time......Not many people know or knew for a couple of years I was a volunteer firefighter. One of a few female firefighters.  I would have loved to follow through with it more when I moved to Denver but I couldnt' get a department to sponsor me for the test and that I could work with for one I was a woman and two I was plus size.  Hey that didn't stop me from proving to men who were in for 10+ years I deserved to do the same things they did.  I loved it.  I haven't been apart of a Department since 1993 but when I was watching all the Firefighters and EMS with the towers My heart was breaking I wanted to be there so bad.  Once you have that firefighting in you you never lose it.  My heart is always with the firefighters. 

I will always have 9/11 etched in my heart.  I will NEVER forget those who innocently lost their lives to this horrific event.  This isn't of any importance blog just a memory keeper for me.  I am Forever Grateful for those who serve everyday.  My our hearts keep memories safe and we never forget. 

The following Pictures are of  My Favorite Car that comes to our Car Show every year.  I sit there and try to find all the stars.  This is for the Fallen Firefighters on New York.  Amazing Paint job.  There is one star added for a fallen Denver Firefighter that was just days from retirement when he lost his life doing what he loved and saving others.   So I ask each of you not only to say THANK YOU to a Military Person but to every Uniformed Person in our lives.

Sunday...day of Rest so Why are there so many Busy Bodies!!

I am always rushing around.  I can't seem to get myself to slow down.  Yes I am at my fave Coffee place but I am reading emails responding to things. Looking up information for my son and school....YIKES that is a hard thing to swallow.  Tyler is a Freshman in High school now and already knows what he wants to do after HS....Yeah at about $35000 a year!!  Ok going back to rushing around.

I am doing this blog post about 15minutes before I need to be at church.  I started a new church last sunday.  I was rasied Roman Catholic, but after my son had a run in with the Faith Formation Teacher in the 6th grade we haven't been back.  That wasn't the only reason.  Every Sunday when i would go to mass as my family walked in the Hospitality Ministers would look at me as if I had 2 heads no joke and usually it was the same people.  They are older and new to the parish but they didn't like the idea I had kids out of wedlock...OH NO I AM DAMNED!!.... so I committed a sin having my children..   I am sorry my kids were baptized and raised up until 6th and 3rd grade in the church.  I was being talked aobut behind my back. I was horrible to have kids without a father.  Honestly I am happier that the kids don't have their father!! for another day.

So I have been searching and struggling to find out who I am and where I really belong in teh Faith World.  Last Sunday a friend of mine "JENN-NAPPED" me to take me to church on the idea we were going to coffee and then she would bring me back....NOT COOL.   I was in a hat tanktop and felt blahhhh....The church didn't care they were happy to see me there.  WOOOHOOOO.   I didn't know I knew so many people from my town went to that church.  That church I am refering too was the ONLY church that helped me in teh time of great need this summer.  Kept me going, but they didnt expect me to start to go there.  I have decided to go there because I felt a peace and calm come over me last Sunday.   I have a realtionship with GOD, that he totally understands me, understands who and where I am coming from.....BUT the relationship you have THROUGH HIM with others is what really truly keeps you going in life. 

I am excited to have a relationship with GOD again.....I promise not to shovel things for you to read I am not that type of a person!!

"One Step, One path, One Road, One Trail, One Valley, One Mountain to Climb to Get to the PEAK of You!"

Today We are doing WHAT?????

The toughest thing I have had to today so far is WAKE UP!!  I have a bad headache, my eyes hurt, I want to crawl under a cool blanket  and sleep a bit longer.....YEAH RIGHT NOT GONNA HAPPEN!!  My body overruled my headache....stupid body...it wants to rest but no it won't rest....SUNDAY is the day of REST!!  As one of my BFF's told me NO REST FOR THE WICKED!!....hahahahaha

MY HEAD hurts so bad, I know why....CAFFIENE Headache....I have cut it WAY DOWN not out but down.  This is hard coming from someone who at one point was drinking a case of Pepsi every 2 days at my lowest everyday.  Not good or healthy.   I am lucky if I drink a 12oz can every 3 days.  I am really trying to be good.  I know going "frozen gobble" (my kids version if Cold Turkey that said it funnier) is not good do gradule, but when you don't have the money for a few months and "frozen gobble" is only way yeah!!  No I am slowly being a Good girl!! Watching the sweets too....I have had a little minature candybar for the first time in 4 months and that was enough for me....My "sugar" is in fruit now!!!

Today We are doing WHAT????  I am still thinking....Lately I have had a few friends who are struggling not only with weight but with family, faith and their hope to change.  Yes today is SUnday but I am not preaching by any means.   I am not quailfied to do that...no t one bit.  I am just passing on what others have told me and what I am moved to share. Changing something in your life no matter if it is for the best YOU, is hard and VERY scary.

I grew up being raised "Roman Catholic" but something always didn't feel right in my faith.  I remember always questioning the faith I was raised in.  I was even thinking of a vocation my jr/sr yr in school....Woke up very quickly on that.  I have my belief system thanks to my upbringing but it isn't the same belief system as all Catholics....I am a rebel!!!

Beauty Outside and Within...It's everywhere

BEAUTY!!  How do each of us look at beauty?  We see the beauty within something so different then others.  Last Summer when I visited my mom in one of the places I used to live growing up.  Some people will see it as a hot desert and nothing is beautiful there. We went to the Colorado National Monument....ONE OF MY FAV PLACES in the world....London runs  a real close second.  I grew up looking at this wonderful place.  Visited it almost every 2 months with either school or girl Scouts.  It's Beautiful!  You look at it and it is not colorful, it's not really fun or exciting but it is BEAUTIFUL!!

So you see this on the Western slope of Colorado....but what you don't see is what is beyond it to the southwest....Lush green forest, More of what people Call beautiful.  My favorite place to need to connect with once again.

Look to your within and the outside will SHINE!!  

You are just as beautiful inside and attitudes will only enhance what is outside....Just like the Beauty surrounding us!!

"One Step, One path, One Road, One Trail, One Valley, One Mountain to Climb to Get to the PEAK of You!"