One Year Ago.......One Year Later

I was sitting in a hotel room with my 2 children getting ready to do something that could change my life forever. I was in Denver for the Biggest Loser Open Casting Call for Season 12. I was thrilled I had received a VIP Pass for the casting call....but the more I thought about it I should have gone through with my original plan....gone early and waited with everyone else.

I have the support of many people I never have met in person but who were going through the same thing I was....struggling with Obesity and weight loss. I was ready to do anything....I AM MEAN ANYTHING but what seemed I needed to do I hadn't done it yet. I loved the casting call had met some amazing people while there. Still talk to a couple of them. We support each other still to this day. I was on such a ahigh from that weekend....granted I didnt get the call back but that is ok....I knew that wasn't going to happen. I got home and the kids went to school....I went to work....I wasn't on the schedule for the whole month. Found out I had been fired not because I didn't have my shifts covered but because I was needing to do soemthing else. Well many people know the struggle I had for the next 5 months. I was out of work and all I had to pay bills for June and July was my son's income from his 30hr a week job. He gave up so much for a 15 yr. I have wanted to make that up to him. I wanted to make sure he has a mother he could be proud of. I didn't try for Season 13 wasn't into it. I still needed to do somethings I wasn't sure about.Then end of July 2011 came I had to make choice....I had a job interview did I really want to stay or move and make a new life someplace elses. When the week of a job interview happened....I knew what I also had to do is FACE THE DEMONS of my life. I started to journal. I know the blogging would be helpful but not all things I wanted out there still. i might share more as time goes. Alot is painful.

My demons I had to face is that I was called fat, ugly, stupid, annoying, worthless and that I was never wanted why was I still around. I know those things were said to me almost everyday for 14 yrs. Even now 24yrs later I still here it but this time the words aren't in my face being screamed at me they are in my head and my heart everytime I look into the mirror. I try to keep a positive attitude I need too....I have my children I don't want to go through what I went through in High School. My beautiful daughter, Emmie, is going through those ugly words since 2nd Grade so for the last 5yrs she has had to face it. We all know how Jr High can be to a young perons self esteem. I have tried to tell her how wonderful she is and beautiful she is. Her heart and how she is towards others is what makes her so special. I love her for who she is and who she is becoming.

Today, 4 March 2012, my daughter Emmie-Na (nickname) asked me
"MOM why don't you believe in yourself! Why don't you believe in the same things you tell me. I learn to give my heart to others like you....but you don't think you are worth anything like I feel....LOVE YOURSELF!!"

She knew what my story I was telling at the casting call that day and she told me to make them love me too....I didn't do that. My children mean the world to me. I am their only parent. I need to be here but in order for me to be here longer and make a change in their lives I need to be here for me and change my life.

One Year Ago.....I woke up to the potential I could be....On Year Later I am still dealing with those things that keep me at the weight I am. I have a great way to still myself everything is ok. NO THIS IS NOT OK!! I am 42yrs old. I am around 400lbs!! My Tyler, graduates High School in 2015 and My Emmie, graduates in 2018. I need to change. I need to face th UGly Demons and Change. I need to stop those excuses....I have to stop those excuses.

SO in Celebration of trying to change my life One Year Ago.....I am buckling down and doing that.....NO MORE EXCUSES!! NO MORE PITY PARTY!! NO MORE HIDING BEHIND WHAT HAPPENED 15, 22, and 38 yrs ago....I am in control of My New Life.

ONE YEAR AGO....I talked a good Talk
ONE YEAR LATER....I am WALKING THAT TALK and going through with everything I Plan forward. I got off track but I have a goal in mind I WILL see....Live My Life to The Fullest!!!


FIRST DEMON TO FACE.....I AM BEAUTIFUL! I am not Ugly.